"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?"
-- Steven Wright

"A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her."
-- W.C. Fields

"Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life."
-- George Bernard Shaw

"Alcoholism is the only disease that you can get yelled at for having."
-- Mitch Hedberg

"All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer."
-- Homer Simpson

"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut."
-- Ernest Hemingway

"Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me."
-- Winston Churchill

"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools."
-- Ernest Hemingway

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
-- Benjamin Franklin

"Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat hairy girls."
-- Ross Levy

"Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world."
-- Kaiser Wilhelm

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
-- Frank Sinatra

"I spent a lot of my money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered."
-- George Best

"I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer."
-- Homer Simpson

"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy."
-- Tom Waits

"If I had a nickel for every beer I've bought; I'd buy more."
-- Priscilla Marsh

"If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose."
-- Deep Thought, Jack Handy

"In wine there is wisdom. In beer there is strength. In water there is bacteria."
-- German Proverb

"Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life."
-- Michelle Mastrolacasa

"Non-Drinker: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure."
-- Ambrose Bierce

"Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer."
-- Dave Barry

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
-- Drew Cary

"Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol."
-- Unknown

"Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser."
-- Unknown

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
-- Deep Thought, Jack Handy

"The best beer in the world, is the open bottle in your hand!"
-- Danny Jansen

"The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober."
-- William Butler Yeats

"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
-- Jeff Foxworthy

"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind."
-- Humphrey Bogart

"There are better things in life than alcohol, but alcohol makes up for not having them."
-- Terry Pratchett

"Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time."
-- Catherine Zandonella

"What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?"
-- W.C. Fields

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
-- Henny Youngman

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven..."
-- Brian O'Rourke

"Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine."
-- David Moulton

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
-- Dave Barry

"You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer."
-- Frank Zappa