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"A study listed in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."
-- Conan O'Brien
"Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two aspirin and keep away from children."
-- Unknown
"Ah, yes, divorce......., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
-- Robin Williams
"All thinking men are atheists."
-- Ernest Hemingway
"Always be sincere, even if you don’t mean it."
-- Harry S Truman
"Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep."
-- Scott Adams, American cartoonist, creator of Dilbert
"How come dumb stuff seems so smart while you're doing it?"
-- Dennis the Menace
"I sit here all day trying to persuade people to do the things they ought to have sense enough to do without my persuading them."
-- Harry S Truman
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
-- Richard Jeni
"If guns kill people, then...
pencils miss spel words.cars make people drive drunk.
spoons made Rosie O'Donnel fat."
-- Gun Owners of America (www.gunowners.org)
"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
-- Johnny Carson
"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man."
-- Mark Twain
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
-- Rod Stewart
"It’s a funny thing about free speech: It can’t be just for your political friends. If freedom means anything, it is the one valuable gift you have to give to your worst enemies, in order to keep it for yourself."
-- Doug Christie
"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law."
-- Jerry Seinfeld
"Never play cat and mouse games if you’re a mouse."
-- Don Addis
"On one issue at least men and women agree: they both distrust women."
-- H.L. Mencken
"One of the problems of taking things apart and seeing how they work - supposing you’re trying to find out how a cat works - you take that cat apart to see how it works, what you’ve got in your hands is a non-working cat. The cat wasn’t a sort of clunky mechanism that was susceptible to our available tools of analysis."
-- Douglas Adams
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
-- Paul Rodriguez
"Suppose you were an idiot . . . And suppose you were a member of Congress . . . . But I repeat myself."
-- Mark Twain
"The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not ‘Eureka!’ (I found it!) but ‘That’s funny...’"
-- Isaac Asimov
"Three can keep a secret if two of them are dead."
-- Benjamin Franklin
"You can only be young once. But you can always be immature."
-- Dave Barry
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